totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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