Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
