We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
