I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
