I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
