I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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