god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
