I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
