My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
