dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
