i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
