cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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