i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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