I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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