News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
How's work?
Spinning.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
