Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You pole danced in your parka.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
