Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
