She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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