Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
