My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
