you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
