did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
