Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
3 2 1 whiskey
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
