Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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