How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
