Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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