i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just invented taco cereal.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
