You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
