I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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