When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I think your dad took our porno
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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