the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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