I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
