He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
