Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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