I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
