OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
