Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
