I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
