I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
