as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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