Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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