operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
