i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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