can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
