Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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