4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
