she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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