I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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