She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Four minutes until I can fart!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
