Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
