You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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