He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
