And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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