I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
