I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
