i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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