Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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